Resenting my Pregnant wife...

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Permalink Reply by SteveH on January 29, 2009 at 12:22pm

She needs to know exactly how you feel in what you just stated above. It will only get worse unless you can both come to terms with this. I would put it in a way that you are not directly accusing her, but explaining that "here's how I'm feeling" and "I need your help in dealing with this"....Simply asking for help, often will neutralize the defensivness...If she understands your feelings it won't spark any negitive feelings from her "observations" of your responses.
Get it ALL out on the table....
Steve

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Permalink Reply by Dana on January 29, 2009 at 3:32pm

She didn't act very honorably, but realize that when women's baby-o-meter goes bing! they aren't thinking rationally, they're using reason to justify what is in essence an extremely strong hormonal drive. This is only anecdotal, but I observe that the baby hunger gets strongest around 5-10 years before fertility begins to wane, and when it's really strong a lot of women will get desperate and do anything, even cheat, in order to get the baby they want.

So while it's true she behaved in a grossly disrespectful way and threw your opinions to the wind, realize also that this is not a symmetrical situation. It's your opinions and feelings on the one hand, versus her opinions and feelings PLUS a huge hormonal/biological pressure on the other.

If you can talk with her about the baby hunger in a non-judgmental way, you might be able to get her to open up about what drove her to act unilaterally, and she may admit that what she did was not right from the ethical standpoint, and apologize, which would clear the way for you to forgive her and for the two of you to heal this major violation of trust. (Of course, if she's nearing her late 30s, she might think she was ethically justified, on the grounds that your feelings are nothing compared to her potentially being childless for the rest of her life.)

I would strongly advise that if you can't achieve reconciliation on your own, you should see a counselor of some sort, because the child will need an environment that's free of those kinds of unspoken tensions.

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Permalink Reply by Rob on February 21, 2009 at 11:27pm

In any commited relationship you need one thing to keep it goin. COMMUNICATION. I understand you didn't want to upset the apple cart when the change happened but look at where you are now. Had you tried to open a dialogue before this there would probably be a lot less resentment towards her as it would have been a mutual decision and not something that seems to be her decision alone. I say seems to be, because even though you seemed to have reservations at the time you continued to have sex, so you helped her gain what she wanted.

I am not knocking you or blaming you in anyway, I just want you to realize that this not compeletely her fault and that should help you reconcile your feelings of resentment towards her. Your feelings were kind of thrown by the wayside, but you have to realize two way communication nobody will ever be happy. Especially the one who is not voicing their concerns or feelings. You may need to try and involved a 3rd party mediator to get your feelings out and have her acknowledge what you think and feel, but that will go light years into helping you get over your resentment. Again, I am not holding your wife blameless, but you have to wonder what would have happened if you were honest and vocal from the start.

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Permalink Reply by Jake on February 25, 2009 at 1:41am

Just stop fighting with her and let her know you'll be there for her.

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