The bond of fatherhood
Double Standards
Sorry in advance, but I need to vent.
Last night my wife and I had a mini-fight. She got all upset when our 2 year old didn't take his medicine properly. (Hello! He's 2! They don't like medicine being squirted down their throats!) She angrily retreated to our bedroom and left it up to me to get the boys ready for bed. So far, no real problem. I'm more than willing to pick up the slack when she's had enough.
Along the way, however, she let out a stream of cursing (at me and in general). She's done this too many times before and I had had enough so I told her to watch her language. She told me that she's an adult and can do whatever she pleases. So I told her that next time I chew with my mouth open (admittedly, a bad habit of mine), she shouldn't correct me.
This has got me really frustrated. When I chew with my mouth open, it is teaching our kids a bad habit. When she curses up a storm, they'll only learn the curse words if I draw attention to them (by telling her to stop). Why the double-standard? By her own reasoning, they should only learn to chew with their mouths open if she tells me to stop!
The double standards continue to our house clutter. Anything of mine laying around is "that s**t of yours". But her stuff laying around is there for a very good reason and deserves to be there. When she wants to clean up, it's "You never help." When I want to clean up it's "You've got a bug up your butt."
When I make a mistake, it is put on display for weeks to come. When she makes a mistake I'm told to "shut up" and it is supposed to be dropped. Even when it comes to arguments there's a double-standard. She can say whatever she wants to at me and I'm not supposed to be hurt or insulted and when she wants to just forget about it, I need to just drop it.
Don't get me wrong. I love my wife with all of my heart. I wouldn't put up with this otherwise. It's just grating on me that I feel like I'm always the one who is blamed for everything that goes wrong and her wrong behaviors are just shrugged off as not important. How do I discuss this with my wife without looking like I'm pointing a big finger at her and causing an even bigger argument?
Last night my wife and I had a mini-fight. She got all upset when our 2 year old didn't take his medicine properly. (Hello! He's 2! They don't like medicine being squirted down their throats!) She angrily retreated to our bedroom and left it up to me to get the boys ready for bed. So far, no real problem. I'm more than willing to pick up the slack when she's had enough.
Along the way, however, she let out a stream of cursing (at me and in general). She's done this too many times before and I had had enough so I told her to watch her language. She told me that she's an adult and can do whatever she pleases. So I told her that next time I chew with my mouth open (admittedly, a bad habit of mine), she shouldn't correct me.
This has got me really frustrated. When I chew with my mouth open, it is teaching our kids a bad habit. When she curses up a storm, they'll only learn the curse words if I draw attention to them (by telling her to stop). Why the double-standard? By her own reasoning, they should only learn to chew with their mouths open if she tells me to stop!
The double standards continue to our house clutter. Anything of mine laying around is "that s**t of yours". But her stuff laying around is there for a very good reason and deserves to be there. When she wants to clean up, it's "You never help." When I want to clean up it's "You've got a bug up your butt."
When I make a mistake, it is put on display for weeks to come. When she makes a mistake I'm told to "shut up" and it is supposed to be dropped. Even when it comes to arguments there's a double-standard. She can say whatever she wants to at me and I'm not supposed to be hurt or insulted and when she wants to just forget about it, I need to just drop it.
Don't get me wrong. I love my wife with all of my heart. I wouldn't put up with this otherwise. It's just grating on me that I feel like I'm always the one who is blamed for everything that goes wrong and her wrong behaviors are just shrugged off as not important. How do I discuss this with my wife without looking like I'm pointing a big finger at her and causing an even bigger argument?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by J. P. M. on -
I think you're dealing with two issues: the first is the division of household labor. I would consider waiting for a time when you are not fighting about something, and come up with a list of household do's and don'ts. You can make sure swearing is on the list, and she can make sure chewing with your mouth open is on the list - and then you could have a swear jar and a chewing with your mouth open jar. Put in a dollar every time you foul up. You should also set up some expectations - like if she cooks dinner, you clean it up. She sounds frustrated and maybe overworked?
It sounds like the problem is deeper though. You might consider there being a problem with how you fight. If it's always a tit-for-tat issue you'll never get anywhere. If she's mad at your sh** being all over the place - just pick it up. Don't complain about her stuff, and don't let it bother you just because it bothers her.
I have found over the years that it's possible for one person to make a relationship better. Think about it like this - when you're carrying something heavy and someone gets in your way, do you really think, "hm...that was probably an accident...and I was really doing something wrong, as well..." No! You just yell, "GET THE F*** OUT OF MY WAY OR I'LL KNOCK YOUR TOOTH OUT!" Maybe she's feeling like she's got too much to carry.
By the way, as someone who swears (a lot) - I would say, talking to someone about their language when they are mad enough to be swearing in the first place will not EVER get you ANYWHERE!
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Permalink Reply by Dana on -
Sounds emotionally abusive. I don't think this is just pregnancy or just bad habits. Counseling is probably the best thing. You can also check out Gary Chapman's books, for example Loving Solutions, Everybody Wins, and Anger. Whether she's able to see what she's doing and learn better depends on how self aware she is, how much she loves you, how afraid she is of losing you, and whether she's just fallen into the abusive pattern through stress/because you've let her get away with it or whether it's rooted in deeper problems. My dad used to pull this stuff on my mom. Eventually she asked him to move out and think about whether he wanted to get mellow or get divorced. He opted for therapy and staying married. Best of luck to you.
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Permalink Reply by J. P. M. on
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Oh please. Not everything is emotional abuse. You're a grown man - if you don't like what's going on, then change it. I would venture to say that there are probably some things you could be doing to make things easier and less stressful. I'm sure arguments don't start with the swearing and door slamming -
Nobody wins - and nothing gets better when nobody takes responsibility. Calling this "emotional abuse" is not taking responsibility.
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Permalink Reply by Rob on -
I think your best bet is to find a neutral third party mediator, be it therapist, counselor, or even a member of the clergy if you are religious. This is about both of you feeling as if you are doing more than the other it seems. That makes it easy for finger pointing and minimizing someones feelings. If you really want to discuss it on your own I suggest taking a night out to do it. Get the kids taken care of and do your best to approach the subject with kid gloves, stay away from finger pointing or statements which start with "You always" or "Why do you". Try using that age old statement, "I feel like", if it feels like it's starting to escalate into a big argument, you may just need to suggest you both step back and take a breather. However, it does seem like mediation is your best bet right now.
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